Mama-Mother Love

Mother Love

As if she could read my heart 

she held me at night one minute longer.

As if she knew I wasn't ready to say 

goodbye she waited til today to part.

As if my letting her go meant that she

would really leave me alone.

As if all the hello sweeties that 

comforted me are gone.

As if letting go meant she was 

not still my mommy forever.

As if she never left.

NJG

Snapshots of a Funeral

Expecting unbearable aches

I arrived too early in the day

at the mound of earth only to

smile imagining this my mother's 

garden. 

Puja to Mama Love

She would be the spring bulb and

the summer dahlia rooting deep

to blossom again. My heart was

freed dreaming of her growing

to heaven bearing fruit for us all.

NJG

Underneath 

Dirt everywhere weighing down the bones of grief's heart. 

Barren moments waiting for the phone to ring hello sweetie. 

How utterly sad to be confused with someone she lost. 

I am your daughter I yell til my tears flow across time.

Underneath the earth's tomb she holds tightly to my hand 

hearing my heart.

NJG

A Few Poems

Dancing Shapes

Movements of grasses and leaves

amused their naked talk. 

Words filled the air taking her

breath away in the truth.

Revealing each other as wind spoke

their names out loud.

Freeing minds on the window's play.

NJG 

Frosted Sunrise

Perfect martini morning

frosted glass no olive.

Glistening crisp smooth

liquid flowing light

emerges behind houses.

Held best by the stem

and sipped to awakened

senses give grace.

njg

Movement in the Dark

Feeling his gentle words

stroke her tears she

moved closer.

Blankets becoming waves

rolling  bodies among

dreams.
NJG

Veranda Sitting
 
Breezes ever so slightly
stir memories tangled in
braids of regrets. 
 
Loosened wisps  dance 
wildly by thinly veiled
eyes  promising relief. 
 
 Moonstruck notions turn
curled pages of photos
he left behind.
 
As if to say something
poetic shadowing truth
with smiles.
 njg 

nature and edgy lakes

Cuyahoga State Park

Canadian Lake Sunset

Lake Erie Lagoon

Magnolias 

Frick Park Ice Image

Kayak Portrait

Canada Lake Mirror

Tree tribal healers

Canada Lake Mirror

rock kings

Call Display

Call Display

Running to answer the phone I glanced at the call display and my breathe caught in my throat. The Meadows was calling to inform me something and dread sat on my heart as I lifted the receiver to listen. Mama lived there in a health care center continuously on the verge or in the middle of some life threatening crisis and I was in charge of reactions and actions while my brother was trekking Glacier National Park. A Mama call as i came to name them pushed me to sobbing tears as any possibility of losing her; even in her 80s, felt unbearably sad. So often the calls would be to tell me that she fell but was ok, yet clothes thrown in a suitcase and a frantic ride to the airport followed many of them as predictions of endings were spoken. Mama being the incarnation of the come back kid always pulled through and I crawled back to some semblance of breathing freely and a lighter sense of being. It was as if she were giving me trial runs to the inevitable leaving so I could come to grips with what was unfinished between us and how to come to peace with what had to be said and done. A trip to visit  for her birthday, despite her barely recognizing me, was to be my opportunity to tell her how sorry I was for being such a challenge and disappointment based on her endless stories of how bad I was as a kid.  Needless to say I had my own versions of these times; remembering myself as an adventurous, curious, young girl who flourished when unrestrained and allowed to embody the gypsy spirit I inherited from my Romanian ancestors. Mama’s need and ensuing struggles to have me be the little ladylike clone of her clashed with everything inside of me as a kid yet the rebellious part of me was gone and needed to hold her one more time.

 Walking into her room at The Meadows I saw her tiny body asleep occupying so little of the bed that I could not imagine her being the towering force that insisted I become her. I sat near her and stroke her face as she opened her eyes and saw me. We beamed love to each other as I leaned over and kissed her gently. I slowly spoke my heart to her and as if in a dream she found her words in spite her dementia and told me I was a wonderful child and how she always wanted to be like me. There was so much I wanted to ask but sat quietly as she spoke about my childhood years and our life on the farm.  I finally said how hard it must have been for her and she said oh no it was a hoot and started to laugh.. I laughed with her realizing the joke was on me and how i had wasted so much time believing she didn’t really accept me when it was I who didn’t know her. She pointed her finger at me and said “never settle. never settle” and told me how much she loved me.We laughed til I had tears and hugged as I released the heavy weight I had carried religiously; allowing her words to heal me with her sweetness and joy.  Mama left for real a few months later yet I remember her little joke that life is really a hoot if I ever have moments of doubt that we both loved me.

Turning the bed

The valley in the bed had cradled their dreams and passions as bodies found each other for nearly twenty years; until it didn’t.Today,  sleeping alone,  Anna rolled out of that bed spilling tears yet noticing the numbness ebbing and a ritual funeral for those memories taking form. The universe cracked, for a moment , when Hank declared his leaving over biscuits and eggs casually mentioning  Durango.   She heard a sonic boom of garbled don’t love you anymore and need to find myself as if he had left his red mittens in the school yard only to be recovered in the lost and found box.  He stood up and moved towards the door as casually as he had walked through it so many years ago. Hearing him call out “come Gomer” she felt the mutt brush by her legs.  Watching his 1974 beat up Ford truck kick up dust as it hurried towards the tar road kept her on the porch imagining it was only temporary; yet only her denial supported the mirage. Letting the screen door slam she felt the shivering despite the heat and knew she was ready to move out of the valley of lost dreams. Pulling off sheets and throwing pillows she grabbed onto that mattress and flipped it to the side of reclamation.  Fueled by guts and spitfire Anna stuffed Hank’s belongings into garbage bags  destined for Goodwill needing to rid the cabin of his sweaty smell that stubbornly lingered in the hot air of summer’s promise.  Anna set about finding ways to readjust her world as she wiped the mirror clear of an old image of herself. Standing naked she took a long look at the strong beautiful woman she had become slipping jeans over her loins then turning away from the bed and entered the day.