Call Display

Call Display

Running to answer the phone I glanced at the call display and my breathe caught in my throat. The Meadows was calling to inform me something and dread sat on my heart as I lifted the receiver to listen. Mama lived there in a health care center continuously on the verge or in the middle of some life threatening crisis and I was in charge of reactions and actions while my brother was trekking Glacier National Park. A Mama call as i came to name them pushed me to sobbing tears as any possibility of losing her; even in her 80s, felt unbearably sad. So often the calls would be to tell me that she fell but was ok, yet clothes thrown in a suitcase and a frantic ride to the airport followed many of them as predictions of endings were spoken. Mama being the incarnation of the come back kid always pulled through and I crawled back to some semblance of breathing freely and a lighter sense of being. It was as if she were giving me trial runs to the inevitable leaving so I could come to grips with what was unfinished between us and how to come to peace with what had to be said and done. A trip to visit  for her birthday, despite her barely recognizing me, was to be my opportunity to tell her how sorry I was for being such a challenge and disappointment based on her endless stories of how bad I was as a kid.  Needless to say I had my own versions of these times; remembering myself as an adventurous, curious, young girl who flourished when unrestrained and allowed to embody the gypsy spirit I inherited from my Romanian ancestors. Mama’s need and ensuing struggles to have me be the little ladylike clone of her clashed with everything inside of me as a kid yet the rebellious part of me was gone and needed to hold her one more time.

 Walking into her room at The Meadows I saw her tiny body asleep occupying so little of the bed that I could not imagine her being the towering force that insisted I become her. I sat near her and stroke her face as she opened her eyes and saw me. We beamed love to each other as I leaned over and kissed her gently. I slowly spoke my heart to her and as if in a dream she found her words in spite her dementia and told me I was a wonderful child and how she always wanted to be like me. There was so much I wanted to ask but sat quietly as she spoke about my childhood years and our life on the farm.  I finally said how hard it must have been for her and she said oh no it was a hoot and started to laugh.. I laughed with her realizing the joke was on me and how i had wasted so much time believing she didn’t really accept me when it was I who didn’t know her. She pointed her finger at me and said “never settle. never settle” and told me how much she loved me.We laughed til I had tears and hugged as I released the heavy weight I had carried religiously; allowing her words to heal me with her sweetness and joy.  Mama left for real a few months later yet I remember her little joke that life is really a hoot if I ever have moments of doubt that we both loved me.